Dolorosa & Dolorosa Candles

As I work in advocacy for the mentally afflicted and their loved ones I have experienced a challenge that hinders the efforts of mental wellness advocates everywhere.

There seems for some to be a distinct"them vs. us" attitude amongst some who work in this arena. It is frequently manifested in the scenario of consumer or peer advocates against loved ones and family members seeking to help or care for a loved one. More than once I have been told that since I am not a peer,or consumer I have no right to speak for them..that I cannot understand their life. This is often linked with the fear that loved ones and family members want to have their child, spouse, partner or sibling "committed" or forced into some treatment that is against their will.

As a father of an adult son who has mental illness I have heard and felt these words deeply. As a member of our County Mental Health Board and as an instructor for our local NAMI affiliate I have heard and observed this issue many times. I would ask that those who hold these feelings gently hear me out.

1) I agree I cannot personally relate to your own challenges with mental afflictions. However I can observe and feel the pain, loneliness, fear and anguish. I can also observe that there are times when a person cannot articulate their woundedness or fears. While I may not fully understand..because I love I must seek to try to speak for those who may not be able to speak for themselves. I realize that in mental afflictions much is not understood. So please do not negate or discard my caring if I too do not fully understand.

2) About the fears of commitment..treatments...I know that there have been families that wanted their family member "put away" as a matter of convenience or family discomfort. However I am confident they are a small minority. Frankly I have never met a loved one who wanted their loved confined to a mental institution, or to suffer the often oppressive side-effects of medication. I have yet to meet a loved one who's heart doesn't ache when they visit their loved suffering in a hospital, jail, or on the streets. Our caring is often shared against a system that still sees family and loved ones as forces to be opposed, as probable causes, or at best dysfunctional problems to be avoided. Do those who fear and oppose loved ones and family members really think we want our loved ones in those places?

3) A question...instead of seeing us as adversaries perhaps it may be good to share your concerns..but also listen to ours. You may well hear...WE ARE WORKING FOR THE SAME CAUSE..THE HOPE OF WELLNESS AND INDEPENDENCE of those with mental afflictions. The stigma, lack of resources affects the afflicted...but also their loved ones..very deeply. We cannot afford the destructive luxury of this "them vs. us" attitude. We need to respect that while we share and speak from different perspectives we also share the same work. Usually when a bridge is built it comes from two different sides. Neither is right or wrong..it is just two sides.

Please let us work together for the mentally afflicted and their loved ones.

There can never be too many voices of hope and caring.